I finally realize, I always was and always will be enough.
This is me and my Little Buddha at the park. It is a horrible angle, you can see all my "chub", rolls and chins-- but it is currently my favorite picture. Why? Because of the love on my baby boy's face. He doesn't care what I weigh, what I wear, or whether I have makeup on. I am his mommy and that is enough. I finally realize, I always was and always will be enough.
An Active Fattie
When we moved to Hawaii, I discovered that I was an active person. This came as surprise to me, as someone who had been fat pretty much my entire life, I generally avoided outdoor activities for fear of ridicule (not unfounded btw). I also figured I was too big to be able to do any activity safely. We are fed the idea that fat cannot be fit and I bought it-- so I constantly doubted my myself and my abilities.
I started walking 4 or 5 miles a day, not in an effort to lose weight, but because I enjoyed it (and it was the most efficient mode of transportation in Honolulu during rush hour). Then I started hiking up mountains. Like for real freaking mountains. After that I started scrambling, and was even starting to rock climb, at 240lbs, when I got pregnant. My last hike was at 8 months pregnant.
Pediatric Cancer Is A Dick
When my son was diagnosed with cancer, I stopped moving and started eating. I ate my fear. I ate my grief. I ate my anger. I ate to feel joy and comfort. I was terrified to leave my son's side. I would binge on vending machine chips and chocolate at the hospital in an attempt to fill the empty pit forming in my heart. I know not all oncoparents deal with their grief this way, but I did. Food was the only attainable thing that brought me comfort--and I needed comfort.
Eight months ago my boy finished his treatments (so far cancer free!) and I am the largest I've ever been. But, ironically, I am also the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. A switch flipped and I could care less what anyone thinks of me. I wear a bikini at the beach, and feel good in it.
Fat Bodies are Good Bodies
It took almost losing my son to realize that our bodies serve one purpose--to live. My body isn't defective--it is doing exactly what it should be doing. It allows me to move, love, care for my child, create art and expressions. It is perfectly mine. I am alive, and worthy of the same joy and love as anyone else.
I know how it feels to be told you are "less than" by society because you are fat. It is bullshit. You are worthy of love and acceptance at any size. This is why I am a firm supporter of the Body Positive movement. I plan on including more Body Positive posts, because it is part of my journey as a woman, person, and oncomom. I know I am not alone and our stories are valid and worthy of being told. I know my body and mind function better when I am active. I also know that exercise will help with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I want to be healthy, because I want to feel better and be there for my son, regardless of what weight that means I am.